January 25, 2009

• i think that, pickles is good looking.  . . . .. . oh the rushes, oh the rushes one gets. . . .  . . .i have a thing, a mountain that i climb up. and its a mountain of shitty fanfic, criticism, cynics, and other things. and i must walk up it.

  Oh, how am i going in my life? i want things, i do. i very much do. and sometimes, all goes well. i can tell you that.                       i've genuinely cried about 2 times because of happiness. . . . . .oh geez, oh geez, how im trying to get there and i am. iam trying. if you do not know, the, then that is what i am trying to say, foklks, its what im trying to say. im trying to say the best things ,i see another plane. but the fear gets me. for i am afraid. for i am afraid of the things i've done to other people. and im fraid of .. the unfair consequencese. what if i do suck ? i ask. What if i am not right in this situation?" i do not know why. it is the thing tthat stabs me.

  but i se eit in other places too. i see the open belly ; i see it. and i say. WHY OH WHY. i blame it upon myself, i blame so much. I ONLY HOPE THAT IN OTHER THIGAS, folks, you see it the same upon yourself. for i try.

  And foklks, lord, why would i want t o do myself wrong?

  i wouldnt i dont think so. WHASAAT MAKE ME SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON.

  i know im not, i know im not, and i know everyone's not , and i know you're not, and i know he's not. . . and i just wanna sa y that . . . . . .please, through all the gaps . . .. i see it in you too. . . . . .i ain't know n other thing. ..  .. tis something my eyes bringj. . .. . by they selves. .. . . .. . .i do not know what else could be explainin' it. . .. . .i am confused, . .. . i am open..

  i am lik e a fish about to be carved. i am afraid and victimly as  the thing about to die in the wild, belly up. i am sitting here, so open. i apologize, i could apologize. i do not know if i bring it upon myself. . . . but. . .. .. . . i do not know. i am unsure, insecure. so unsure, so insecure . .. . i am like an open slate. i am presented before you. . .

  . .. .and the n sometimses i feel good.  . .. but i dont know. sometimes i see such good things, sometimes i see such good things. . . .are they relaly there or s omething i chose in my mind? . i do not want to harm anybody, becuase i do not wanto to become  embarressed, and i do not want to hurt myself.

  i am a confused, scared , thing in the world. i would like something to fall on once in a while. oh god, i would want somethign to fall on one i n a while.

  i know nothing, and i know that iv've come to college believing that, . . . i dont know if its other substances or myself. .i dont know if its just my pure creation. that it is not based on anything. that it's just that i've always imagined what it i s like to feel and then finally one day i just decided to do it. . .of rno reason.. .and you mean nothing. . .and it is all nothing. . and it is all nothing .. .

  i say this because i am down on that confusion. i do not know if i am a liar i dont know. i just have a gap, i have a gate, and i leave it open to you. because i am afraid, and i leave it to you. i am down, i am illigitimate, i am belly up, i am scared. i come to you like this. pplease come to me.

   

   

   

   

  

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

  • 1:35 am
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